If you've been watching television lately, you've seen one of those Burger King ads with the Hapless White American Guy that gets crushed by the oncoming football team with the Really Fat Slow Minority Guy. The ads would be extremely boring, if it wasn't for the Really Fat Slow Minority Guy, which makes them funny. There was a series of four ads, and each ran for one week. Each week, the Hapless White American Guy got crushed at the end of the commercial by the Really Fat Slow Minority Guy except for one week where the Hapless White American Guy runs out of the stadium, chased by the Really Fat Slow Minority Guy, whose football pants are travelling dangerously up his fat crack.

The ad campaign was promoting a contest where a football game was the contest of the week. If the team on your card won, you would receive a free Whopper. If your team lost, you would still get a special price of 99 cents for a Whopper.

Well, I love Whoppers, and last week, I won two free Whoppers. My bad luck had finally run out.

I stepped up to the counter and ordered a FREE Whopper, large fries, and large soda. The woman behind the counter said that the cost would be $3.63. I thought something was wrong but checked the prices. They were right. Then I started to do math in my head. An Whopper Extra Value Meal was $2.99. Making it large for the fries and soda was an extra thirty-nine cents. I started to calculate the tax on $3.38 and determined that I had saved a total of six cents with my Whopper, mostly because I had attacked the math from the perspective that I must be saving money by winning. Except that I hadn't.

By comparing my subtotal on the receipt, I discovered that I had actually paid a penny more than if I had just bought the extra value meal. I don't know where BK is getting the money to run all those ads, but when you remember that half of the game cards represent a ninety-nine cent Whopper, half of the contest's winners end up getting Whopped.

While I seem to remember hear the phrase "Everyone Wins" in the ad, the title of the contest is "Win Your Way".

I'll do so by returning to Taco Bell.

Dave

I went onto the Burger King Website. After clearing their obnoxious "you gotta click on this image to see our real home page even though it doesn't say click me or anything" introductory screen, I quickly got to their interactive nutrition wizard. In less time than it takes to say "hold the pickles, hold the lettuce" and have the drive-thru cashier repeat it back to you three times, I had the whole meal totaled up.

Here's what your Whopper, Fries, and Diet Croak really cost:

Now, turning to www.tacobell.com (introduced via a cute and functional "do you want Macromedia Flash with that?" screen), you are only two clicks away from complete nutritional information on any product. I picked "Gorditas" for comparison to Burger King, because in English the name literally means "little fat girls." I picked the grilled steak variety for highest concentration of nutritional impact.

Here's what spills out:

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell you that for a WhoLFEN ("Whopper/Large Fries Equivalent Nutrition"), you can pig out on four Gorditas! Looking closer at the subtotals, one also notes that the "burger" actually contains far more fat than protein (40g vs. 28g), whereas the Little Fat Girl weighs in with a meaty 14/17 ratio. Where, truly, is the beef?

In short, Davio, you owe the Burger King factory a major debt of gratitude. Through this promotion, they have encouraged thoughtful consumers like you to focus, laser-like, on the true value of your fast food investment. And an informed consumer is an intelligent consumer is a happy consumer is a bloated consumer.

Marty

I understand your frustration; however, I must point out to you that your instant math attack (i.e., trying to calculate in your head exactly how much money you just got screwed out of while simultaneously waiting in line) prevented you from 'thinking outside the box'. As everyone knows me for my knack at 'getting value', let me alert you to how your transaction should have gone.

I first point out to you that, contrary to the 'American diet', it is NOT necessary to purchase fries and a large soda with every meal. Hence, your order should have gone as follows: " I would like a FREE Whopper and a large water to go please." Or, if you really wanted to piss off the poor teenager taking your order, "I would like a FREE Whopper, extra pickles, extra onions, and a large water with no ice to go please. Also, could you hand me an extra stack of napkins too." Then, after paying absolutely nothing for this transaction, you would proceed to drive as fast as possible to the nearest Taco Bell, and based on Marty's recent posting (just in), order two or three nutritional Gorditas to finish off your meal.

Now that's what I call fine dining AND value!!

My two cents,
Bill

Since Freida the Condiment Queen isn't on this list, I feel compelled to add:

First, you berate the minimum wage waitperson with an accusatory, "Why the hell would anybody put mayonnaise on a hamburger?" After they deliver the freeburger to you, lift the bun to make sure they got it right. Then, demand additional packets of condiments -- three ketchups, three mustards, three salts, three peppers AND three mayonnaises. If the guy objects, or even gives you a funny look, go on the offensive. "Do you want me to talk to your manager?" Of course, half the teenagers on the staff are some sort of manager, so you might opt for the less-confrontational-yet-adolescently-laconic, "These are free, right?"

Besides getting actual free stuff for now and for later, you have succeeded in getting your whopper to nudge over the FatPro ratio to 19/20.

Before you leave the counter, empty the straw dispenser.

Now that's what I call Winning Your Way!

P.S. Speaking as someone who actually prefers water to the headache-inducing Atlanta bilgewater, I must tell you that the "large water, no ice" order is a no go. Since only customers that purchase overpriced fountain drinks are actually worthwhile, most fast food operations serve water only in "weenie cups" in an effort to dissuade the water-drinking subminority from polluting their establishment with their dangerous and radical influence. I've even found "sit down" restaurants that will serve water only in tiny "water glasses," as if those immense tumblers must be protected from contact with the vile, colorless liquid. No amount of rational argument, sweet talk or bribery will sway the wageslave from their devotion to the cupsize edict. Instead, just say, "I'd like that free Whopper and two cups of water, please." Then add the condiments, extra this, less that, etc.