In a message dated 10/6/98 11:21:44 PM Central Daylight Time, our chairman writes

Tonight I had a strange and twisted conversation with my strange and twisted bio-step father. It strikes at a basic philosophical question that is close to all of our hearts: What are the Taco Bells like in Saudi Arabia?

In a break with tradition, our first panelist will be Mister Passaglia.

Mister Passaglia responds:

Unlike the Taco Bells in the States, those in Saudia Arabia invert their tacos, covering the tangy cheese and hardy lettuce with the spicy beef. In this manner, the taco shell exposes just the alluring meat which seduces the consumer with its promises of carnal pleasures. However, the consumer quickly realizes after purchasing the taco (for a hefty price) that hidden behind the shell they were so anxious to break open and eat and eat and eat is just a bunch of lettuce. True satification must ultimately be achieved with a harem of tacos, and not just one.

And the next panelist will be Mister Reed.

Thank you, my most honorable colleague, in presenting the floor to me.

While considerably along the same lines as Hon. Sr. Passaglia's comments, this phenomenon of a peculiar inversion is also present in the sexually appealing television advertisements used in Saudi Arabia to promote their "harem" of tacos, burritos, and other intestinally friendly entrees. While in America, the viewer sees nothing but Texas flavored cheeks ostensibly "caught in a love triangle" peeking delightfully from beneath the frayed hem of cut-off DUNGarees, the Saudi version depicts only veiled women performing household tasks.

While seemingly divergent in their appearance, the underlying universal allure of the exploitation of women serves to entice viewers of both sexes to hurry off to their local Bell, patently unafraid of the inevitable, somewhat less than aromatic, certainly anticipated resultant ass bilge. I thank you for your time.

Mister Weiner, the panel at this time respectfully requests your commentary.

As both of my visionary collegues have pointed out, Arabian Bells look to combine unique advertising campaigns with innovative products. In fact, the Arabian Bell just recently launched new commercials in honor of their most recent releases: the Heavenly Hummus Hard Taco and the Far-out Falafel Burrito. To celebrate these new products a new commercial has just started airing. It shows a camel walking in a desert. The camel catches a glimpse of an Arabian Bell out of the corner of its eye and backs up several feet. It then proceeds forward, only to back up again. This forward-backward 'rocking' continues until the ad fades to the Arabian Bell logo.

Incidentally, the name of the camel has yet to be disclosed. Perhaps this line of ads is just the beginning....

I feel confident that the Extremely Reverend (and typically funny) Senor Marty. will have much to expand on.

The previous submissions to this "contest" show the outrageous disregard for our culture and our people which we faithful have come to expect from Western Zionist expansionist zealots. Nonetheless, we like a good chimichanga, and are willing to negotiate.

We have, due to the enlightened openness of our royal countenance, permitted Taco Bell to open franchises in Riyadh, subject to certain restrictions: The "bell" logo, symbolizing the murderous assault of the Christian church against the peoples of the world will be replaced by a random pattern of zigzags and filligrees. The name of the restaurants will be changed to "Infibel." The Taco Bell chihuahua will be portrayed by a goat. Instead of saying, "Yo Quiero Taco Bell," he will call the faithful to prayer, praise Allah! The price of all items containing refried beans will be indexed to world crude. Menu changes: "Gorditas" will henceforth be known as "Faithful Eunuchs in Service to King Fahd." "Border Wraps" will henceforth be known as "Sisters of Mohammed Protected from the Prying Eyes of Lecherous Europeans." "Nachos Bellgrande" will henceforth be known as "The Ruins of Bagdhad, Once We Summoned Our Airforce from Across the Sea."

There is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is his Chihuahua. Submitted, Ali Akbar Mohammedamadari-Damalamadingdong, Grand Vizier and Fajitapotentate for His Royal Highness King Fahd Divine Ruler and Appreciator of the Big Beef Meximelt

PS. Meet me in the chat room at www.tacobell.com -- opened this week!  Allah has sent me a vision. The name of the next prophet will be Imbalis.

Sorry about the delay in participation - I felt the need to make a pilgrimage and learn for myself just what Saudi Arabian Taco Bells were like. Unfortunately, I was allowed into the country but not into the Taco Bell building. I kept trying to peek inside the windows for a glimpse or listen for people calling out their orders, but between the crunching of nachos and the armed guards, all that I could hear were the phrases, "Die, Western swine!" and "You'll never infiltrate!" I think that they were under the suspician that I was there looking for nuclear weapons buried in the refried beans.

After explaining my situation to no avail, I was escorted to the back of the building, locked into a livestock pen, and was nibbled severely by Ahmed, the Taco Bell Goat (another stroke of bad luck since my HMO has no Saudi Arabian location). To make matters worse, when I escaped, I forgot to pick up some of those hot sauce packets for the plane trip home. Nothing like falafel with hummus and no hot sauce.

If there's anyone left, I'll pass the baton now...

(chairman): A prestigous Taco Anthropologist from the prestigous University of New Orleans (known as Bellegrande I to her closer friends) has yielded her remaining time to the chair, in accordance with our rules of procedure, the chairman recognizes the esteemed Freida as the next speaker. Further requests for input from members of the committee or other professional acquaintances in the audience should be forwarded to the chairman in writing at this time.

There being no further items of discussion on the floor at this time, an executive summary and press release was prepared by Freida. </P>

{ chairman } Subj: EXCLUSIVE: Taco Bell Advances in Arabia! Date: 10/18/98 2:24:53 PM Central Daylight Time From: Sra. J Typical of their unabashed and unprecedented expansionism, Taco Bell today was forced to announce that they have successfully established a foothold in Saudi Arabia with an EC (ethnically correct) version of their fast food franchise. This startling declaration confirms rumors that have circulated for weeks on the Internet, and was flushed out by our confidential source who undertook a pilgrimage eastward. Controversial at best, exploitative at worst, Taco Bell's gutsy move has been met with outrage by some, who claim "blatant disregard for our culture and people." The alternative foodstuffs on the menus at these "Arabian Bell" establishments are a mouthful themselves: Heavenly Hummus Hard Taco, Far-Out Falafel Burrito, "Gorditas" are known as "Faithful Eunuchs in Service to King Fahd;" "Border Wraps" are "Sisters of Mohammed Protected from the Prying Eyes of Lecherous Europeans." America's "Nachos Bellgrande" are called "The Ruins of Bagdhad, Once We Summoned Our Airforce from Across the Sea." Another, simpler menu item is the Taco itself. Same ingredients, with a twist: the inverted design of placing lettuce inside, adding cheese and finally topping with steaming, spicy beef. This ethereal concoction has led to increased sales of the multi-pak TacoHarem, whereby the consumer can choose from 6, 10 or more, depending on his, ahem, mercurial appetite. Although current ads running in Riyadh are similar in tone to those in the States, a camel has been substituted for the chihuahua pup, and the Saudi ads depict veiled women performing household tasks. While seemingly divergent in their appearance, the underlying universal allure of these ads lies in their exploitation of women -- also the cultural norm. Internationally, this ad campaign is being decried by packs of feminists and Professors of Womens Studies as "Degrading, humiliating, and insulting," and reportedly caused one viewer to actually lose her appetite. One royal Arabian franchisee, Ali Akbar Mohammedamadari-Damalamadingdong, Grand Vizier and Fajitapotentate for His Royal Highness King Fahd, Divine Ruler and Appreciator of the Big Beef Meximelt, metaphorically stated: "There is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is his Chihuahua." Therefore, at King Fahd's command, the "bell" logo, believed by Ali Damalamadingdong to symbolize the Christian church, will be replaced by a random pattern of zigzags and filligrees. No longer is "Arabian Bell" culturally acceptable; the name of the restaurants will be changed to "Infibel." The Taco Bell chihuahua will be now be portrayed on Saudia Arabian soil by a goat. Rather than stating "Yo Quiero Taco Bell," this sacred goat will call the faithful to prayer. And prayer may well be in order in these new franchises, where the price of all items containing refried beans will be indexed to world crude. Our faithful source, in a daring display in intestinal fortitude, risked life, limb and eternal digestive disruption to bring this story to the surface, and without benefit of hot sauce. As she disembarked her homecoming plane, she was heard to declare, "No quiero mas. Alto, por favor." This writer could not agree more. Back to you, Dave.

Disrespectfully submitted,