Well, once the movie that had more slow dissolves between ridiculously staged sex scenes was over on Showtime, there wasn't much else to do inthe hotel room tonight, so I picked up this week's TV Guide to get some of the factual scoop on one of my favorite sports now that the Patriots truly suck worse than Sodomy Hussein's Revolutionary Guard, Pro Wrestling.
Inside was a quote from Goldberg, who is a surrogate for Ted Turner and therefore the enemy of bad guy (but anti-establishment, and therefore good guy) common man New World Order (NWO) leader, Hulk Hogan.
Goldberg, 31, admits that his parents (Dr. Jed Goldberg, a retired obstetrician and gynecologist, and Ethel, a violinst, who now live in Miami) were initially aghast at his move into wrestling. "But now that I am one of the most successful Jewish athletes since the beginning of time, they've caught on like wildfire."
Just for the sake of balance, in the odd chance that there are NWO fansout there, it was also reported that "Hollywood" Hogan dyes his hair and beard with a compound of Just for Men and Clairol hair colorings, black dye, and peroxide. "It stains like hell," says the evil one, "and I have to be careful not to get any on the sink, because my wife would just kill me." This raises some important questions for some of the people on this pseudo-list that simply must be addressed:
Chris--what do you dye your hair with, and what does Goldi do to you if you stain the sink with it?
Bill--How have your parents reacted to your becoming the world's secondmost successful athlete by auditioning for the role of fourth stringquarterback for the Patriots (after Zolak and the team's mascot?) Bonus question: Goldberg's first name is "Bill". How come I never seeyou at home on Monday nights during WCW Nitro?
Marsha--how are your career goals similar to, or different than, theUndertaker's, who says he wants to "cause as much havoc and mayhem aspossible and eventually become the next WWF champion?"
Marty--what's more ridiculous: talking philosophy with your brothers orinterviewing Jesse Ventura?
Shelly--what verse of the book of Shelly would you respond to anacolyte preaching to you "Austin 3:16", given that particular verse ofthe WWF bible refers to the quote "I just whupped your ass"?
Mike--what kind of costume woud you wear to wrestle with Marty? With Bill Clinton? Henry Hyde?
Freida--In your honest opinion, is wrestling fake?
Lachiem, y'all.
editor's note: Mike and Freida did not respond. Who could blame them?
Y'all might wonder how a nice Jewish boy like myself could become the world's second most successful Jewish athlete and fourth string quarterback for the Patriots. Well, I assure you that the road certainly has been rocky. Things all began when I was ten and wanted to play Pop Warner football. This idea immediately hit a dead end when I broached the subject with my family. My dad was very disappointed with me. He asked, "Why would you want to play such a Neanderthal sport? Remember son, the important thing is that you exercise your brain, not your body." My mother was no more supportive. "No, honey. Those other boys are so big and violent. Don't play football. You'll get injured. Why don't you sit down and have another bowl of matzo ball soup?" Even when I tried to bring the subject up with my grandmother, all she would say is, "Oye vey." Thus, it was apparent to me from a young age that I had little hope of ever being drafted by the Patriots. While the 'regular' kids were outside playing and having fun, I attended Hebrew school. The life of the Jewish athlete isn't easy. Fortunately, I got my big break when my grandfather, who is an accountant, decided to purchase the New England Patriots. I remember him saying, "What the hell, it's only several hundred million dollars." As a Bar Mitzvah present, my grandfather promised me one favor should I ever become a doctor. Thus, upon completion of my dissertation, my grandfather is going to help me out. Of course, he was a little dissappointed that I was becoming a doctor by getting my PhD and not an M.D. He frequently jokes, "When we made that pact, I always thought that you were going to be a REAL doctor." Nevertheless, as owner of the Patriots, my grandfather has agreed to insist that I be hired as the fourth string quarterback provided that I never actually play in a game and that my salary can be used as some sort of tax shelter. And so my friends, you see, this story is how I became the world's second most famous Jewish athlete. Zolak's backup's backup Bill
>Bonus question: Goldberg's first name is "Bill". How come I never see >you at home on Monday nights during WCW Nitro?
Unfortunately, you never see me on Monday nights because WCW Nitro still conflicts with my Hebrew school class. Shalom.
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frankly dave, if you spent more of your time watching the fashion channel instead of TBS's Monday night fights or staged sex scenes on Showtime, you wouldn't need to ask such a silly question. You would know that the world's insatiable desire to see more skin has lead to the hottest trend in the fashion industry since bulemic babes in bell-bottom blue jeans, bald-headed models.Because I routinely watch Cindy Crawford's fashion TV, I knew about the latest fad years in advance. A few years ago I purchased a dye that I saw on late night tv that was marketed as a way for women to never shave unsightly body hair again because it makes hair transparent. I saw the opportunity to set the trend and seized it. Now, accept for a ring of hair around my head, you can hardly tell that I actually have a full head of hair which hangs past my shoulders. Women love it. In fact, the real reason why my wife and I married on moment's notice was because she was knew that it was just a matter of time before some women would steal me from her. In case you interested, the dye is no longer marketed commercially but you can get a lifetime supply from the US Air Force who originally developed the transparent dye for its stealth fighter planes. you had better hurry though because the Air Force stopped making it when they realized that pilots have great difficulty flying a plane that they cannot see.
Having read all of your creative responses to Dave's questions, I couldn't possibly compete with them. So to make it short, my goals are very similar to the Undertaker's in that I have always wanted to "cause as much havoc and mayhem as possible." I think that I have done a very good job in that department so far. However, the next WWF champion? I think I would have to say, that is where our career goals differ. I would, however, like to become the next Cosmopolitan Editor in Chief. This engineering stuff is over-rated. Even if I do get to crush bones and give the physical plant people clothes from the bodies in anatomy.... Back to the List
Screw the lame fraternal philosophy question. Let's get back to the meat of the question, namely, "Who was the greatest Jewish athlete of all time?" Of course, anyone who grew up in "the best place to have left in the world" -- Syracuse, NY, knows that the world's greatest Jewish athlete was a guy a couple of years ahead of, and a couple of feet above me, at JD: Dan Schayes. He was 6-9 in the eighth grade. Of course, he was the hero of all us "late bloomers" (i.e. males), who, when lucky enough to dance with anyone, had a tendency to look her straight in the chin. He went on to star four full years at Syracuse (and like the good Jewish boy that he was, graduated with a business degree). He went on to star at a number of NBA franchises (they just kept stealing his contract from one another) and had a fairly long career, retiring with a career point average in the high-mid-single-digits. Of course, if you want to talk about great Jewish basketball players, you can't forget Marty Byrne, forward for the Orangemen during my chin-dancing days. He was a 6-7 forward, played on the same team as Roosevelt "Chocolate Dadelion" Bowie. Marty's patented shot was the "leaping leaner," a more-or-less one-handed shot taken from the top of the key, using the off-arm to cross-block any puny defenders who attempted to occupy the space you were leaning into. That was my shot, too. Of course, we had the same name, but that did not enter into my estimation. Then of course, we have Dolph Schayes. Dolph was an all-American Guard for the Syracuse Nats (for "Nationals"), a short-lived professional basketball team (ABA or NBA). This was before word got around that Syracuse was the best place to have left, and Dolph schtayed. But he was pissed at being a mere guard, and spawned a center. Before Dolph, you pretty much have to go back to Ben Hur. Now Goldberg does have one special designation. He is definitely the Greatest Jewish Athlete The World Has Ever Known to Be Born And Raised In Tulsa, Oklahoma. I can tell by his picture in today's Tulsa World (of course, we Oklahomans follow his sports career religiously), that he will never be buried in a Jewish cemetery. Tattoos. Or at least, that's what they used to tell Jewish kids to keep them from getting tattoos. Don't get one, or you can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery. (What can we Goyim put up against that? "Don't get your tongue pierced, or you won't qualify for Medicare?") So, under the picture in today's Entertainment section, there's this caption, glibly entitled "Pin and inc." 'Bill Goldberg wants you to know that, when it comes to his trade -- that'd be ruling the roost of World Championship Wrestling -- he's all business. "I've torn groin muscles," he boasted, "And I've felt guys' ribs break beneath me."' Business -- okay, we'll see. Note to Dave: He may dye his hair also, but it's hard to tell, as it is only 1 cm in length. P.S. As for Ventura, who did he take out? He decisioned some pencil-necked geek from Texarkana to become Reform Party Champion. And he's not even Jewish. Back to the List
I actually lead a double life - half of the year I tour with the WWF as the manager of a Louisiana wrestler made good (or bad - depending on the season), Bodacious Boudreaux. Since these testosterone-laden soap operas are performed several times during the week, I have gained quite a bit of experience in the wrestling arts. I can therefore handle situations such as these with dignity, grace, and style. I might initially refer to Shelly 5:8, verse 25, "...and lo, though I have received an ass-whupping from the Texas Rattlesnake, the toughest SOB around, I fear not the bald man in his black panties, for his contract will be cancelled once his ratings slip and his beer gut appears." I would then toss a cold can of Steveweiser (official beverage of Stone Cold Steve Austin) into the audience and watch him dive for it. On his way down, he would of course crash into the appropriately placed announcers' table at ringside and grasp his lower back in agony. If the verbal assault continued, I would then be forced to quote a book other than my own, Rock 12:15, "Shut your damned mouth and know your role. I'm gonna lay the smack down on your candy ass, you jabronie, unless you wake up and smell what I'm cookin'." I would then, in one fluid move, perform the infamous Crawfish FaceClaw and then the Cross-Faced Chicken Wing upon Mr. Austin until I was forcibly removed via the use of a metal chair. And that's the bottom line. Back to the List