Taco Bill and Marsha's Wedding Toast

This was the toast that I gave at the wedding of my friends Taco Bill and Marsha.

I was in a state of near panic while doing so, and my thoughts at the time are included.

These two are the best friends a person could ever have, and I don't know what it is that I could have ever done to be Bill's best man. What a freaking honor.

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(I left the champagne sitting at the table and tried to look cool while a waiter handed it to me.)

Thank you, Dr. Weiner, for removing the need for half of my toast.

There will be a short question and answer session at the end of the toast, if you could please hold your questions until then.

If I could just chuck convention here for a second, like Dr. Weiner, I too would like to toast some of the people who made this all possible. Bill’s parents (remember Bill’s parents’ names are not ‘Dr’ and ‘Mrs.’ But they've always been 'Dr' and 'Mrs'. You can’t read this stuff off the list. Too rude. No one would understand. Start to panic. Give up.) Bill’s grandparents, and Marsha’s mother Ellen Tiberio, and her grandparents, Angelo and Rosemary. (You forgot Kay, you idiot.) We drink to them because when I say that Bill and Marsha are two of the smartest and sweetest people that I know, this happened in spite of my best efforts. You all did this and congratulations. They are their fault. (Terrible pronoun shift. Ignore it and move on.)

Bill’s request for this toast was that it be short. Their roommate Sachin complicated things by suggesting that it be meaningful, to which I added the criteria of entertaining and non-offensive. I will undoubtably come up short on one of these qualities and apologize for it in advance. On the bright side, as a result of late-Friday night negotiations, Bill and I have agreed that I won’t read any poetry if you won’t do the chicken dance, although this treaty has not been approved yet by Marsha and is subject to her veto.

I don’ t know how long Bill and I have been friends. When I asked him about it, several theories were put forth, ranging from boredom (meant to say laziness) to excellent taste. But finally, Bill just said "Who cares?" which was the perfect answer. Bill’s a great guy, but you’ll just have to take my word for it. Whatever the bond of friendship was, it must have been visible to Marsha at least.

I figured that out on the night that Marsha kissed me when we were at a party. Like Doctor Weiner, I had no clue of a relationship between the two. But one of the things that I noticed was that she’d positioned herself in such a way that she could watch Bill. I don’t have eyes in the back of my head, but she must have liked what she saw because she did it again with our mutual friend Chris, who couldn’t make it today because he just had a baby. (Well he didn’t, but I’m not going into details.) Now the best part of all this wasn’t that Marsha kissed us, which was great, but that Bill spent the rest of the evening explaining why it was no big deal. I never saw them separately again.

As I said earlier, there would be a short question and answer session. Bill and Marsha are both graduate students. Marsha is learning to use math to break things, and Bill is researching vision, in spite of his inability to see red lights and onramps. Anyway, my freshman chemistry professor once told me that during one’s thesis or dissertation defense, any question is fair. Since today is more important than a defense, I’d like to know if anyone has any questions for the bride or groom. I reserve the right to speak on their behalf. (Silence. Wake up. Regroup. Move on.) OK. Good. Then I want to ask you a couple of questions. Is there anyone out there who can think of a reason why Bill and Marsha couldn’t get married? I tried my hardest to think of one all the way here on the Thruway. OK. Good. Is there anyone here who’s not going to support them, who is not behind them one hundred percent?

Bill and Marsha, I think I speak for the group when I say (what??? What was I going to say? I can't remember what I was going to say. Shields are down. Hull breach is imminent.) We wish you a very long, long time of happiness together. (Huh? Did I say that?) And Marsha, please don’t forget that when we drink to your health (Marriage. They’re getting married, remember?) that you have owed your old boyfriend a kiss for about six years. (Start to drink. Realize that no one else has.)

Cheers.