SLAM

The life form hurtled through the dark cold reaches of the infinite void. He was moving faster than he ever had before. Stars and celestial boogers whizzed by in smears of light. He flew on forever. In direct contradiction of the Theory of Relativity, the faster he went, the smaller he became. He was a size of a bullet when he nearly blasted through the planet. He got gummed up in its atmosphere and incorporated. As he drifted down to the planet's surface below, he voraciously ate all that was around him. Then he was tired. He took a nap.

SHAKE

The earthquake woke him an hour later. Wherever he had landed was an unstable place. It shook him and pushed him and shoved him all around. He was pushed off the surface of the planet into the outer space. It was cold. Very cold. A tongue started to lick him. He didn't know where it was coming from, but he decided one would be worth having. He'd get one as soon as he could. He tried to stand but he didn't have the legs for it after the long period of weightlessness. He fell on something behind his legs. A butt. That was good too. Definitely remember that one. Still hungry, he found some food to gnaw on. He attacked it viciously. And he sure was tired. He took a nap.

LEARN

There were others but he didn't care. They got in his way. They weren't useful for anything except smelling. He did a lot of that. There were a lot of new verbs. There was eating, smelling and sleeping. They were better than nouns, which were merely things that were not him. Verbs were the best. One day he opened his eyes and discovered seeing. It wasn't as interesting as smelling. He closed them again. And took a nap.

DIVIDE

The others had been taken away. He was left alone. He felt like he should have missed them, but he didn't. The solid food took some getting used to, but he could feel it longer as it went down his gullet. Sometimes he was so hungry he forgot to chew. He was glad that the others were gone. He could sleep longer.

HEAR

He shared his house with some humans and another dog. They were boring. He told them that his name was Ebeneezer. They thought that was unusual but stuck with it. They called him a lot. They bothered him. It was terrible. Until he heard the Voice.
-EBENEEZER it said. ACT NORMAL.
It gave him a lot to dream about.

CONQUER

He acted normal: he set out to destroy. To eat everything. To bark. To spread chaos and misery. He acted by day and slept by night. Except for when he slept during both. Life was good.

CAGED

The humans were gone and he was left in a room with a concrete floor and bars on the walls. He hadn't liked the humans much, but the were certainly better than this. The Voice came back.
-EBENEEZER it said. BE SUBTLE.
-Who are you anyway?
-WE WILL DO THE TALKING. BE QUIET.
And he never spoke back to The Voice again. He sighed and went to sleep.

PREPARE

-EBENEEZER. The Voice woke him from a nap. YOU ARE A ZOG. YOUR PLANET NEEDS YOU. GUARD. NOW.
So Ebbie started to guard. But there wasn't much to do. Sometimes the Fat Woman took him to a softball game in the car which was cool, but he was always brought back to his cell. There was nothing to guard. He was alone. He slept on the concrete. Very undignified for a Zog.

ARRIVE

One day The Dave came through the room. He paused for a moment in front of Ebeneezer's cage and asked to see the others. He was obviously a slave trader. The Dave came back into the room and the Fat Woman let him out of the cage. He didn't care if The Dave was a slave trader. He wanted to go out. He ignored the Fat Woman and the Guy with the Beard and the Other Woman. He sat down in front of the Dave. The Dave asked if he could ride in a car. The Fat Woman told about the softball games. The Dave asked if he could swim. The Fat Woman did not know. Ebeneezer knew, but he wasn't about to say anything that would jeopardize his chances. The Dave said he would take Ebeneezer. He paid 32 dollars. The Fat Woman gave Ebeneezer a shot. They said it was for rabies. Ebeneezer hoped that he would get rabies. The Dave wondered if he could change Ebeneezer's name. Ebeneezer started to plan on planting his jaws in The Dave's jugular vein. He eventually decided on more subtle tactics, and the Dave did not change his name. Or Ebeneezer's either. That night, Ebeneezer slept on his own bed.

SPY

-EBENEEZER. The Voice woke him up again. YOU ARE A SPY FOR THE MILITARY INTELLIGENCE OF PLANET ZOG. WE HAVE PLANS FOR YOU. WATCH.

STAY

The Dave went off to school. There was nothing to do except crap on the rug. There were soda bottles too. Big ones that said Diet Pepsi on them. They were fun to bite and shred and chase around the room. The room was his to guard. When the Dave would come home from school, they would walk around some of the blocks in the neighborhood. At the last corner, the Dave would say, "Ebbie, let’s go" and they would run until the Dave was out of breath. It wasn’t very far. Ebeneezer started sleeping on the Dave’s bed.

BARK

A man came over and drove the loud thing around on the grass. Ebeneezer barked loudly at the man. The Dave told him to be quiet and that it was important. BARK ANYWAY said The Voice. IT IS IMPORTANT. The Dave explained how the man outside was the landlord and that he wouldn’t understand how important it was to have a dog. Ebeneezer barked louder than ever. In a month they lived in a new apartment.

MOVE

There was something good about where Dave moved. There was a park and there were dogs there. They were not all Zogs, but they gave Ebbie someone to study. He tried to start uprisings and rebellions. The Dave would allow him off of his leash, and he would lead the other dogs out of the park. The other dogs’ owners were always mad at Dave, so Ebeneezer was kept on his leash more often than not. The other dogs liked to run, but they were not as fast as Ebeneezer. He made friends with Leona, Abbie, and Shadow. He didn’t like Cosgrove very much. Cosgrove was an obnoxious golden retriever with no class. He didn’t like the cat that lived with the Dave’s roommates either. One day the Dave sprained his ankle while playing hockey. His roommates would not take Ebeneezer out for a walk. The Dave had to hobble along behind Ebeneezer on one foot through the snow. Then it was spring and the Dave had forgotten about the previous fall, when Ebeneezer had led the other dogs out of the park.

RUN

The Dave and Ebeneezer had slept in until noon or so and went out for their normal walk. Ebeneezer was on his leash. When they went back to the house, the Dave took off Ebbie’s leash while he opened up the door to let them in. RUN said the Voice. RUN NOW. Ebeneezer sprinted down the driveway. The Dave was in shock. He started running too, and screamed "Ebbie! No!" But Ebeneezer knew that the Voice took precedence over the Dave.

ATTACK

As he ran down the driveway, Ebeneezer saw what he had to do. There was a Jeep Cherokee driving down Teall Avenue, obviously an enemy of the Zog Race. Ebeneezer sped up and attacked the car, bringing it to a halt. He bounced off the front fender of the Jeep and lay in the middle of the road. The Dave came running into the middle of the road and picked him up. After three bites to the hand, the Dave realized what was happening: "Ebbie, stop it. You’re hurting me." He put Ebeneezer down on the grass. Ebeneezer circled around and lay down, thumping his tail on the ground and breathing spasmodically. He didn’t mean to bite the Dave. He thought it was the Jeep coming to attack him again. The Dave wasn’t such a bad guy after all. The Jeep hurt him, but he had fought it to a tie.

RETREAT

The fight was over. The Jeep limped home slowly. He had destroyed it. He was victorious. But his back hurt. Dave (there was really no need to keep referring to him in the Zog formal anymore) scooped him up and put him in the car. He was talking a lot. He said, "Egg, this is going to be just one more example of one of our little adventures. Someday we are going to look back at this and laugh." He kept talking all the way out to the vet, where the vet stuck a thermometer in his butt and a needle in his paw. They put him back in the concrete-floored cell. He didn’t know which was worse: the cell or the thermometer. He wondered how Dave knew about the Egg.

SNIP

Dave drove to his friend Penny’s. Penny had a salon right near the vet’s. Dave walked up the stairs. Penny saw how awful Dave looked and asked what happened. "My dog just got hit by a car." "Give me a minute here. You could use a haircut." Dave started to calm down and tried not to think about his buddy with a thermometer up his butt.

BRING

The vet had told Dave to come back the next day and bring an old T-shirt for Ebbie to smell and some of his favorite food. Dave went to Taco Bell and bought two chicken soft tacos and drove out to Fayetteville. The vet told Dave that she didn’t want to strain Ebeneezer’s injuries, so they couldn’t see each other right then and what are you doing with those tacos?
I was told to bring his favorite food.
We meant something like steak or chicken.
I brought his favorite food.
Eat it yourself.
The two tacos did not make up for how miserable Dave felt when he walked into his living room and did not see Ebeneezer asleep on the couch.

VISIT

Dave got word the next Monday that Ebeneezer could come home from the vet. He got permission from his supervisor to pick up Ebeneezer during his dinner break and leave him at work until his shift was over. Work was one of Ebeneezer’s favorite places. The break room was always a mess and had lots of yucky stuff on the floor. Ebeneezer got to see Bev and Debbie and Sue, Dave’s co-workers and his friends. Life was cool again.

ADOPT

A month later Dave adopted a new roommate. The cat was gone, and Gary loved to take Ebeneezer out for walks. Gary was never The Gary. It was always Gary. Within a month, Gary had adopted a tan Rhodesian ridgeback named Cheyenne. She was Ebbie’s little sister and dominated his life. Life was good out in the park. Ebbie did not run away again.

TELL

One day, they were riding in the car. Ebbie decided to come clean with Dave. He said,
Dave, you know I’m not really a dog.
I know, buddy.
How did you know?
I’ve been reading your thoughts since you got here.
So you don’t mind that I’m a spy for a vicious, alien race plotting for the wholesale destruction of your planet?
Not a bit, pal. I’m glad you’re my buddy.
Jeez, Dave. You’re a good guy.
They never stopped talking again after that. Dave said that all humans could communicate with dogs. You just needed to know how to listen and to have a dog that was willing to speak.

ACT

Dave, Gary, Cheyenne, and Ebeneezer had a favorite game called Hamlet. Dave would walk into the kitchen, and hit the countertop. He would then say "This is counter, you Danish Dogs. THIS is COUNTER, you Danish Dogs." Gary would then repeat that Dogs were Danish. The dogs would get very excited and dance around because they were Danish and there was a counter. Then Dave and Gary would give them biscuits. Play-acting was a lot of fun for everyone. It’s no wonder Shakespeare was considered a great playwright. Ebeneezer made a note of it to report back to The Voice.

SPLASH

Dave, Ebbie and their friend John went on a trip to Virginia Beach. At the first stop, Dave went to let Ebbie out and found that he had puked all over the back seat. They got down to the beach. Dave and Ebbie went running along the water, but Dave was mean. He angled Ebbie close to the water so that Ebbie would soon find himself swimming. To make matters even more undignified, he would drink some of the water and it tasted yucky. It was terrible and made him thirstier than if he had drank nothing.

CHASE

John and Dave were throwing a black disk back and forth on the beach. Ebbie had been asleep when he saw the disk floating back and forth between them. He instantly recognized it as a Zog transport ship and chased after it. It would land in the sand because neither John nor Dave were very good at throwing or catching the frisbee, and Ebbie would run after it at full speed and claw at it furiously in the sand. People stopped on the boardwalk to watch the possessed dog chasing after the black frisbee. After about five minutes, Ebbie’s attack ended as quickly as it started and he went back to sleep.  Ebbie never mentioned it again. When Cheyenne asked him what he had done in Virginia, he said only that Dave made him swim in the Yuckwater Lake.

THINK

Gary soon revealed to Ebeneezer that he also had the power of telepathy. Soon, they did not have to speak out loud. Gary would sit in his chair reading for hours, stand suddenly, and both Ebeneezer and Cheyenne would know that it was time to go out and head for the back door. Dave sat and played with his computer a lot. This seemed to go on forever. No one ever really talked too much, but it was a very happy, peaceful time. It lasted for several years.

WRITE

Dave wrote a story about a conversation that he and Ebeneezer never had. As a result, he became a minor celebrity among adoptees. As with everything that was important to him, he discussed it with Ebeneezer.
Buddy, I’m sorry that I attributed these quotes to you. I’m sorry for using you like that.
Dave, they liked your story. I’m glad to have helped your cause. You’ve certainly helped mine.
But don’t you think that people will think that it’s strange that my dog talks back to me?
Dave, the fact that your dog speaks to you is nowhere near as weird as the fact that American Earth Adoptees are denied access to their birth records.
How do they handle it on Planet Zog?
Records are opened as soon as a Zog is old enough to bite, which is 18 human years. It’s no big deal. For a dog, bastardy occurs almost as often as sex does.
Ebbie, for such a violent civilization, you certainly are very civilized.
Dave, when we take over, certain changes will be made.
I hope so.

MOVE

Dave decided it was time to get a new job. He packed his things up into boxes and packed the car. He was worried that Ebeneezer was going to want to stay with Gary. The park behind the house was beautiful, and Ebbie’s loyalties seemed to follow his stomach. The moving day came, and to Dave’s surprise Ebeneezer was in the front seat of the car waiting for Dave when it was time to go. They drove 1500 miles together and neither of them complained once.

ARRIVE

They arrived at Tulsa and Dave found his way to Freida’s apartment. Ebbie got out of the car and ran away. He was scared of this dark place with the big sky that smelled like the nearby oil refinery. Dave wasn’t too glad either. They were tired and frustrated. Dave had to chase Ebeneezer up to the top of an apartment building and grab his collar and spank him. The road must have been too much. But two days later they had picked an apartment and started to move into their new home. They walked every day in the park next to their house and would even go for runs and walks along the riverbank. Ebbie liked the riverbank because occasionally there were dead fish to roll around on top of.

PLAY

Ebbie and Dave got sucked into the family life of Tulsa. Since Dave had to travel, Ebeneezer often found himself staying with Frieda and Kate, or Marty and Allie, Cassidy, Max and Olivia. His spy persona suited him well. When he stayed with Frieda and Kate, he was a fierce watchdog, who even barked when Dave would come to the door. At Marty and Allie’s house, he relived his old role as a family dog. One time he attacked the cat Flash’s claws with his butt and tail tucked between his legs. It was a very vicious situation, and everyone said that Flash was lucky to have escaped with his claws intact. Soon even the cats got to like Ebbie, and Kate’s cats Gretchen and Zooey became his best buddies. It was at this time that Dave’s cousin Max, who was ten, proposed the theory of Zats, which were the enemies of the Zogs. It made perfect sense to Dave.
Dogbutt, why didn’t you tell me about the war with Planet Zat?
You never asked about it.
Well, what do you think about Zats?
They’re terrible, but they’re not as bad as poodles.
Good boy. Let’s go to McDonald’s.

SPLASH II
While Dave was away on a business trips, Allie took Ebeneezer for walks on the riverbank. One time she even said that he had splashed in the pools and gotten wet. Dave knew how much Ebbie hated water and was convinced more than ever what a great spy he was.

RELOCATE

Dave had done it to himself. He had gone around Tulsa saying that he never wanted to move back to the East Coast. The boss heard and gave an ultimatum: return to the East Coast or quit. Dave packed his things. But he had to tell his cousins. They started to cry, and five-year-old Olivia captured the emotion perfectly when she sobbed and said
But we’re never going to see Ebeneezer again.
Dave told her that this wasn’t true. Everybody went out to McDonald’s. Ebeneezer was proud to have known such great humans.
Dave didn’t know it, but she was right.

MOVE II
Ebbie and Dave went back by way of Syracuse, where they stopped at Dave’s mom’s house. After a couple of days, Dave took Ebbie out for a couple of hamburgers.
Egg, I’ve got something I’ve got to tell you.
Dave, you’re speaking out loud.
Sorry. I’ve got to switch to conventional human speech for a minute. I’ve got to move to New York City. I want you to stay here with mom. There’s a big yard, and Toby and Chidley besides.
Dave, how could you?
But Egg, there’s no place for a dog in New York. I mean, I know there are a lot of aliens there, but they won’t let you poop on the street. And I’ve got to travel all the time. You’ll like it here.
How undignified.
Don’t think that I’m going to like it any more than you will.

ADJUST

Dave never got used to living without Ebbie, but Ebbie got used to living with Dave’s mom and Toby and Chidley. He found new couches to sleep on and areas of the yard that had been peed on by generations of Dave’s family’s dogs: the Regal Pooh, Tramp (who was a Wump, which is only 3.4 Kilozits from Zog), Chidley Labrador, and Toby. He liked barking at the mailman with Toby, which was something that Dave had never allowed him to do. Life was good again.

VISIT

Dave came back to visit a couple of times and then it was Christmas. Every Christmas, Dave had his picture taken holding Ebbie like a Teddy Bear. This year, instead, Dave held Ebbie on his lap as they watched their favorite movie: Beavis and Butthead Do America. Ebbie sat on Dave’s lap for the entire movie because it was so good.
When it was time for Dave to go back to New York, Ebeneezer lay down on his bed and would not come to the door. Dave walked back inside.
Ebbie, you are being a Snide.
Ebbie said nothing but put his head down on his bed.
Well, if you’re going to be a Snide to me, you go ahead and be a Snide. Snide. Snide, Snide, Snide.
Under his breath, so that Ebeneezer wouldn’t get an attitude, he added, "I understand."

ANSWER

Dave left his cell phone in his car over night the day before the last day of the year. On December 31^st, he walked outside to get it. There was a message on it from his mom. David, you’ve got to call me. Ebeneezer started having another seizure yesterday afternoon. The city has been closed due to a blizzard. I gave him some Phenobarbital that I borrowed from the next door, but he hasn’t stopped seizing. He’s been at the vet’s all morning.

THINK

Dave called the lab where he used to work to have his friends look up Ebbie’s blood work. It was normal. He talked to the vet, who said that the only time that Ebeneezer would stop having seizures was when he was under sedation with sodium pentothal. Dave saw the obvious conclusion right away: sodium pentothal was a truth drug. It was used against spies. They were trying to make him confess. He knew it was hopeless. His buddy would never give in. There was no way out, even when his father said, Someday you’re going to have to do this for me too. Think carefully of what you’re going to do.

REPLY

Dave told the doctor to do it. He sobbed as he hung up the phone.

REMEMBER

Ebeneezer was one day shy of his eighth birthday when he returned to Planet Zog. He had lived with Dave for nearly six years. Because of their cloaking technology, Dave never saw the Zog mother ship when it blasted off for the stars.

REPORT

Ebeneezer was back on his home planet, standing in front of the Voice. The Voice said
SO EBENEEZER, WHAT DID YOU LEARN?
Sir, I have learned a lot. It is time to invade. Let the invasion begin.
YOU HAVE DONE WELL, EBENEEZER. GOOD BOY.

A Conversation With My Dog
Copyright Dave Sipley
My Homepage
/BODY>